Talk:FunEndDEAD X/@comment-36249954-20191118152148
My review: 6/10 Here's why: Ok. First things first, the initial setting is a cliche. "So i was playing Robloxian Life. Everything was perfect, except the thing that everyone is the server was waiting for someone." is a cliche because it takes place in a popular roblox game and is quite similar to the famous cliches such as "One day I was playing Jailbreak, and everything was fine. I was a normal player back then." or "One day I was playing Meepcity and everything was perfect, until...". Second, I know this is subjective, but, I don't find giant skulls or black hands particularly scary. Since the only apparent ability of the antagonist is to add giant skulls or black hands, he shouldn't be too hard to deal with since Roblox can just ban him, and he's gone for good. Third, the fact that a good portion of the players in chat go unnamed. I know this isn't much of a big deal, because the name of players that either aren't important to the story, or aren't the protoganist/antagonist don't really matter, but come on, it's not hard. For example, here's an excerpt of a chat log from "Holiday in Hell" a creepypasta I was co writing with ItzPhoenixcraft, and thePureelementsguy Tiger92: Yeah, stop! Me: Dude, like seriously, stop stalking us. H0liday_Br3aker: But I just want to join your groups! Johnny43: Well, we don't accept noob losers. Agnais31: Come on, he's not a noob, he's just a (explicit) (explicit). Johnny43: Yeah, XD! Me: Come on guys, just because he hasn't played long and has a weird username is no reason to call him (explicit)! Tiger92: Well, relax, H0liday_Br3aker, I know people who don't make fun of you. H0liday_Br3aker: Who? Tiger92: He goes by the name of "nobody". H0liday_Br3aker: :C Me: Wow, what the (explicit) is wrong with you guys? You're just making him more of a noob! 543928: We aren't making him more of noob, cuz we don't have to! Agnais31: XDDD You see what I mean? All you have to do is think of a name, put some random numbers on it, and presto! A fake roblox username. Ok, back to the real non subjective criticism now. Fourth, The gramatical errors. I may seem like a grammer nazi, but it's just not good to have gramatical errors in your pasta. If you have enough gramatical errors, then your pasta can be deleted. I don't think that is the case here, but there are definitely some errors. To save time, I'll just list them off, and then the correct them, then provide the corrected version so you can copy and paste them to the page. Original version: "After, he sended me a friend request. I accepted it. Kyle left the game, and joined another one called "Prepared" I joined him, and everyone was there." Corrected version: "After he sent me a friend request, I accepted it. Kyle left the game, and joined another one. I shortly left the game I was in and joined his, which was a game called "Prepared", and everybody was there." Original version: "After, everyone started chatting with me. They told me to have fun and etc. But only one of them wrote "Beware the Something..." I did not know who is "Something" but I just wanted to have fun." Corrected version: " Afterwards, everyone started chatting with me. They told me to have fun, however, one of them wrote "Beware the Something...". I do not know who this "Something" is, however, I wanted to have fun, so I ignored them." That's about it. Please don't take this criticism personally. If these things are fixed, I will adjust my review score accordingly.